Wish I Can Do More...

Listening to her crying through the phone yesterday really broke my heart. I have known her for more than 10 years. She was bubbly, full of life and always make others happy but as time goes... she is still all that but with heartache and sorrow that she carries with her.

I guess not all marriages are made to be as blissful like we always dream of. Especially having a husband that has been cheating on u practically from day one of the marriage.

How much does a man expect a woman to accept all his craps and be happy and contented with the marriage? Why do some men expect his woman to accept that he is in love with other woman and be willing to accept that? Why do men expect his woman to accept the other woman in his life with an open heart? Why do men feel that all the wrong doing that they have done to their woman are actually right?

I wish I can do more for her... make her pain goes away but I can't. The only thing I can do is to be there for her as what she always did for me.

Things Happen For A Reason

Who am I to blame for all the failures in my life except myself. I wasn't brought up in a normal typical malay family environment. My parents were divorce when I was only 2 years old and was brought up by my mother that seriously... doesn't lead the life of any malay woman that I've know then and now for that matter. Don't think talking about how I was brought up by her would really help now... afterall... she change for the better.

Used to have grudges against her as I used to blame her for the life that I had but hey... the biggest contributor to my failures is me...maybe being a mother taught me to look at life at other people's perspective, try to put myself in their shoe, try to be forgiving and forgetting. It doesn't bring any good in dwelling about the past. The more I think about it, the more it can ruin and destroy myself.

What I can say is that she's a better grandmother to Aiman than a mother to me. I thank God for that.

Sometime I wonder why do I have gone through alot of failures and turmoils in my life. Not being able to have a normal life like everyone else... The more I try not to become my mother, history tend to repeat by itself over and over and over again. I used to have alot of anger toward her. Blaming her for almost everything. Must say it is tiring being angry all the time and nothing can be achieved. Hence, I stop feeling angry and find peace with myself.

That is the reason, why I try with all my heart to be a better mother to Aiman, giving him all the love and attention that I was lack of when I was a child. I don't want him to end up the life that I had. He is the centre of my life and the reason for me to live.

I was practically grow and wise up by myself. Not depending totally on both my parents. And in between that act of survival, I carry the most darkest secret of my life that I was only able to talk about it after a decade it has happened.

I lost my virginity at the age of 14. I was rape by a so called good friend of my father that came to Malaysia for a shooting of a movie. He was a well-known Indonesian actor.

I didn't tell a single soul about what had happen to me. I was practically shy away from public, refuse to go to school, refuse to meet up with anyone for almost a year. How do u expect me to feel when I was only 14 and something like that happened to me? Don't ask me how did my mom react on me refusing to go to school cuz I just want to forgive my mother for whatever mistakes she did bringing me and my brothers up. How bad it was... she is still my mother and if I can afford, I would want to give her the best. I love her.

Sometime I wonder what if that incident didnt happen, would my life be different? Whatever it is... I believe, whatever happened, it happens for a reason.

For The Sake of Writing...

Must say I am not so much of a blogger. Firstly, I dunno what should I write and secondly, I am not much of a writer. Used to be able to pour my deepest thoughts and emotions on to a paper but I guess all these years I've learned to keep them to myself.

Sometime I feel that I have become cold and emotionless. Guess must be what I have gone through the past 8 years is kinda hurting, depressing and frustrating to me.

Knowing the possibility that people might read this blog kinda scare me cuz whole of my life, I hardly tell people about the most private things in my life. Whatever that should remain private and confidential, always remain that and I will keep it that way till the day I kick the bucket...

Everything Doesn't Make Sense Anymore...

Sometime I wish life is not as complicated as it is... trying so hard to make the best out of it is not as simple as it may seems. How much I keep wondering how complicated it is... it will remain the same.... it won't change... even though how much I want it to change...

I know what I am writing now doesn't make sense at all. I don't make sense to myself sometime. Everything goes blank and I just don't know what should I do. No questions that I would asked myself anymore. There's no sadness, depression, anxiety... nothing.... the feeling goes numb... I just don't know how to make it better...

Where should I start? How should it be? Hoping God would give the answer for me to give the best for Aiman... to provide the best that I always wanted for him and his future... Hoping that God would make things less hard as it is now... Hoping that God would give me the answer to the questions that I have none at the moment...

While Having This Terrible Stomach Cramp....

Was reading through my cousin Shikin (that's what we called her among d family)'s blog...I guess it is the 'in' thing for people to pour out their most inner thoughts and feelings nowadays... blogging... as what I used to call it 'diary' or ' journal' during my days (wow this blogging thingee surely make me feel ancient)... but in a more sophisticated way.. this time you can allow certain people or public to read what is that supposed to be the most inner thingee to you....

Honestly... as of right now what I am feeling is the terrible stomach cramp due to various time of visiting the loo... Me and my stupidity... how could I make such silly mistake by inserting that that that... hell I don't know the name of the medication... twice too much until I am in such misery and pain...

Guess there's not much I could write tonight.... still have workload that definitely gonna kill me and money that is decreasing so fast and also mouths to feed (wish I can give a better life for Aiman and my mom) and not forgetting this this this erggggghhhhh stomach cramp....

Well as of now... nothing much to tell... nothing much to pour... nothing much to grieve and nothing much to complaint... except.... wishing and hoping dat dis pain would go away....